Living with Autobots
by Nitrofires-revenge
Summary: On Holidays, my sister and I make some fateful comments in the wake of an explosion which lead us to being taken away by the US army and into the care of aliens we didn't realise actually existed. Oh boy- there goes my sanity. (this story is over 8 years old but has been sitting on my computer gathering dust as I hadn't bothered publishing before)
1. Introductions

Wincing as we were practically thrown into a large hangar by some rather severe-looking men in black suits I turned to my sister.

"Friggin' hell all I we were talking about after that explosion happened was that it sounded like it was Optimus Prime beating the slag outta Megatron!"

"They really can't take a joke," Becca snorted

"Some holiday this is turning out to be," I groused as I looked around the room before noticing some vehicles in the far corner, "hey look at those!"

"ohhh cars!,"my sister practically drooled as we walked over to where they were situated

"hmmm...a Pontiac Solstice," I said as I ran a hand over the entire length of the car, " I would love to take you for a ride gorgeous"

Next my attention was drawn to an intimidating black GMC Topkick which growled when I touched it.

" Don't you growl at me," I snarled back as I kicked its wheel," Or I'll rip off your front bumper and shove it up your exhaust pipe...and believe me I'll make it fit!

I did a double-take as the vehicle seem to shrink back and the search and rescue vehicle next to it shake as though it was laughing.

"I must be going crazy- first I'm talking to cars and then I think they're laughing...oh well crazy is fun!"

"We're both crazy," stated Becca," and thats why our family just shake their heads when we have our random singing moments"

"But I love our random singing moments," I pout as I lean against a bright search and rescue Hummer

"Yeah but they're not nearly as fun as the times when we break out laughing at something really stupid and we both laugh that hard we can't breathe!"

" I only laugh like that cos' of your face...it's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

"Bitch"

"Yup and proud of it!"

We both looked as a burst of music came from a yellow Camaro

~And I saw her face, now I'm a believer...~

"What the heck…", questioned Becca.

I shrugged at her before I turned my attention to the huge vehicle at the very back of the hangar, A Peterbuilt 379 emblazoned with flames and covered in chrome

"Ohh hello sexy- where have you been all my life?,"I sighed happily as I all but glomped the front of the truck.

"Hey you two- move away from the vehicles- you're in for a surprise!, " a soldier shouted out to us as he led his men into the room," I'm Lennox by the way- apparently I'm going to be in charge of your safety. Turning back to the vehicles he said, "Ok guys, you can come out now"

My sister and I moved back in a hurry as each vehicle seemed to unfold itself and transform into large metal humanoid forms.

"Well holy mother-fucker on a pogo-stick, they do exist"

"You can say that again Bec"

"Ok…Well holy mother-fucker on a pogo-stick"

"Shut up! This is embarrassing! I just glomped a giant alien!"

I looked up trying not to blush as the former Peterbuilt looked down at me with humour shining in his optics.

"I am Optimus Prime and to answer your question femme I have spent most of your lifetime and millennia before exploring the universe"

Burying my face in my hands I groaned as my sister snickered. I almost gasped in shock when I was picked up by the Silver mech, Jazz who was smirking at me.

" So...do you always hit on giant alien robots"

The only answer he got was a shoe getting thrown at his head. "OW- Hey femme that hurt!" "It was supposed to!" "Damn femmes are cruel" "You deserved it for making fun of me like that"

"As interesting as this conversation is, I believe I should show the ladies where they will be staying for the night," lennox interrupted.

Jazz appeared to be reluctant in putting me down but gradually relented. Becca and I followed lennox as he lead us out of the hangar, but not hearing Ironhide mutter "The older femme has a temper like Ratchet". The resounding clang and some cussing that followed informed me that Ratchet had used his infamous Wrench O'Doom to 'correct' Ironhide's misconception.

Well….at least life was going to be interesting


	2. But you smell nice!

Stepping out of the shower feeling refreshed. It had been a day since my sister and I had our rather embarrassing meeting with the Autobots and we were due to meet with them again this morning apparently to discuss our situation as we were now under their "protection" and were to be assigned guardians...something about how now we know of their existence we will be helpless if the Decepticons decide to target us.

Feh, I'll give them helpless. They should see me when I've had a migraine for nine days and have suffered sleep deprivation as a result. I'd show them a 101 ways to dismember a Decepticon with a blunt pencil. Yup. Not pretty. Its an avoid me at all costs unless you want to die slowly and painfully type situation.

Finally getting dressed and stepping out of my room I was glomped from behind by my sister.

"ahhhh you smell nice"

"Get off me", I growled, " Would you stop smelling me! Seriously how many times a day do you need to invade my personal space?"

"But you always smell nice"

"Thank you- Now get off! Its bad enough I always got the whole 'you smell really good' thing at work every single day but I don't need you to hang off me like a leech!"

"Fine, " Becca pouted as she let go of me.

"By the way we have to meet the Autobots like now. Have you had your shower yet?"

"No"

Breakfast?"

"No"

Have you done anything remotely productive this morning?"

"No"

"Well get a move on then! I'll tell the Autobots you're going to be late"

"Yeeessss Nat"

"Well," I grumble, " at least the Autobots aren't going to take any notice of how I smell"

 _ **Main command centre...**_

Fluffing my hair in an attempt to get it to dry I started to make my way across the large hangar to where all the Autobots with the exception of Bumblebee were gathered when suddenly...

*sniff sniff*

"What is that smell?"

*sniff*

"I detect mango, kiwi fruit, papaya and pineapple...*sniff* and a hint of jasmine, orange blossom and patchouli"

"Well whatever it is it smells good"

"Hmm yes rather sweet"

I stiffen and slowly start to walk backwards out of the room only to trip over a large yellow foot.

Looking up I saw Bumblebee. Dammit. There goes my chance of escape.

My fears only grew when Bumblebee apparently noticed the other Autobots sniffing the air and decided to do the same thing...and then look down at me...well shit, I thought as a sense of dread fell upon me.

I stifled a yelp as I am suddenly lifted into the air and 'examined' . I wince as Bumblebee draws me close to his face and sniffs my hair before running into the room and chirping excitedly to the other Autobots before passing me around for me to suffer the same treatment until at last I ended up in Prime's hands.

"Now we know what it was! This femme smells good"

"Yeah she don't smell like the soldiers do"

"Well its official- we're keeping this one"

"Alright men that's enough. We're here to decide a guardian for the femme and her younger co-creation remember?"

"Well as I am the oldest here the job should go to me!", declared Ironhide

"You already have a human Ironhide and so does Bumblebee"

"I believe I would be better suited to looking after the health requirements of this femme", stated Ratchet. I really, really hoped I wouldn't be given to Ratchet…..I like my junk food!

"Pick me Prime! Pick me!", Jazz shouted.

"Are you sure you're up to the job Jazz?"

"Aww come on man- that hurt!"

"Very well then Jazz, you shall be the guardian assigned to this femme"

I try not to gape in disbelief as the whole discussion went ahead without me and I was passed to Jazz.

"Well sweet-smellin' lil' lady looks like you and me are gonna be roomies now!"

Roomies! There goes my last shred of sanity! I can't believe I'm going to be sharing a living space with a giant metal alien.

At least my sister didn't witness what happened…and speak of the devil, she just walked in! I couldn't help but feel almost evil at the thought of who she was most probably going to be assigned to.

"Sorry I'm late. I had to have breakfast and a shower", my sister told the Autobots

"That is quite alright, you have not missed much", Prime replied, "we were just in the process of assigning you and your elder sister to a guardian"

"Ah, okay then, do I get the one with the big guns?"

"No, I'm afraid Ironhide is already the guardian of William Lennox and his family, you shall be left in the care of Ratchet"

"Alright then…wait..WHAT?!". HA! I knew it! My sister's days as a chronic chocoholic are numbered!

Becca squeaked as Ratchet picked her up and turned to leave. I grinned evilly at what I was about to do. I mean, I know she is my sister, but I cant help it!

"HEY RATCHET!", I shouted, "JUST SO YOU KNOW MY SISTER HAS A CHRONIC CHOCOLATE ADDICTION! HER STASH IS HIDDEN UNDER HER PILLOW!"

"NAT!", my sister screeched, "HE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!"

"Thank you for informing me femme," Ratchet smirked, "I shall dispose of those unhealthy items immediately"

I looked up as I heard and felt my guardian chuckle.

"Now that 'lil lady wasn't very nice"

"What? I'm just making sure that Ratchet keeps my sister healthy"

"heh, sure ya were. Well whatever she did, I'll make sure not to annoy you"

"yeah you better not, or I'll sick Ratchet on you"

"Alrighty then. Hows about I show you your new digs?"

"Ok then. After you good sir"

You know…..maybe living here won't be so bad after all…..


	3. Car Wash

It has been about a month since my sister and I found ourselves living with the Autobots and apart from my sister sneaking into my room to mooch some chocolate from me and Ratchet chasing her around attempting to remove it from her grasp, not much had happened. Jazz had been away on a mission to retrieve a couple of new Autobots who had made planet-fall about a week ago in Argentina.

Apparently the identity of the 'bots that have landed has left both Ironhide and Ratchet very VERY pissed off. All I've been hearing for the past few days every time I pass either mech is mutterings of 'suicidal, psychotic fraggers' and 'I've been rather happy without those two around'. Oh well, whoever they are, they are bound to keep things around here interesting. I suppose I would find out more about them when they arrive back with Jazz. Optimus had informed me that my guardian would be returning sometime this afternoon. Did I happen to mention that while my guardian was away I had been staying with Prime? I swear the poor mech needs a holiday. The amount of stress he must be under with the war going on, dealing with idiotic government officials who don't see him as anything other than a machine and all the repairs needed for when Ironhide 'accidentally' blows apart military assets….I'm surprised he hasn't had a nervous breakdown yet!

At the moment, I found myself sitting in a hangar that doubled as his office. I sighed as he seemed to be staring for over an hour at the same datapad that Ratchet had given him. He obviously needed a break….and he appeared to be really really dirty. From where I was sitting, I could see dirt and dust from the road caking his legs, shoulders and back. I could imagine how uncomfortable that would be since the stupid government still hadn't completed construction of the wash rack and still wouldn't for another six months! I seriously couldn't leave the poor guy like that!

"Hey Optimus…"

"hmmm?," He appeared to shutter his optics before turning his attention to me, " what is it? Do you require something?"

" You look like you need a break Prime, not to mention you're absolutely filthy. So, you are going to go outside, transform yourself and I am going to give your vehicle mode a wash"

" That is not necessary"

"I beg to differ. All that dirt and dust looks terrible, not to mention it looks uncomfortable"

" There is no need to trouble yourself femme"

"Its not up for discussion. You need a wash and you need one now!"

"Are all human femmes this determined"

"Yes"

"Then I shall comply with your request"

I swear I have never seen a giant alien mech pout before I coerced Optimus into agreeing to a carwash. I agreed to meet him outside as I ran to get bottles of Autoglym bodywork shampoo, super resin polish and high definition wax that I had left over from my own car (which was sitting relatively undriven since Jazz always seemed offended if I didn't want to drive with him).

Running outside, I grinned as I saw that Optimus had done as I requested and transformed into his vehicle mode. I apologized to him in advance when I had to hose him down before I could start cleaning him. No-one likes cold showers after all. I think he was grateful though that I filled up the tub of vehicle shampoo with hot water because over the hours I spent cleaning him ,he seemed to sink further and further down on his wheels and relax- thank goodness. By the time I had polished and waxed him, most of the afternoon was gone and I was tired. Cleaning a truck that big on your own is really exhausting…

"Ok Optimus. I'm done"

"…."

"uhhh Optimus? You can transform now"

"…"

"Brilliant. I've managed to send him to sleep. Now what am I gonna do? Annnnnnnnd now I'm talking to myself. Juuuuuuuuust great"

"I was wonderin' where ya got to lil' femme. How could ya be so cruel as to not be there when ya guardian comes home with new friends"

I almost jumped as I heard Jazz behind me. How a mech his size could sneak up on me without making a noise I will never know. Turning around, I saw my guardian and two mechs behind him, one yellow and one red.

"Would you stop sneaking up on me Jazz, you sneaky fragger!"

"Aww that hurts lil' femme. Ain't ya happy to see me"

"I'll be happy when I'm less tired"

" That's too bad then. I wanted to introduce ya to our newest additions. The red one is Sideswipe and the yellow one is his twin Sunstreaker"

" uh huh….can you help me wake up the boss now since he kinda fell asleep when I washed him"

"I kinda noticed the bossbot looked all shiny. Ya used the good stuff?"

"Don't I always?"

"Ok. I'll help ya wake him up after ya wash me too"

"what? You've got to be kidding. What's in it for me?"

"my undying love"

"you offered me that last time"

"I'll sneak us out ta the street races"

"….fine. Hurry up then. You're lucky your so small it won't take me long to wash you"

"hey!"

"Shut up and transforms"

"Yes Ma'am!"

I rolled my eyes and smirked as Jazz gave me a mock salute and transformed. The fragger is lucky I like him. I almost laughed as I noticed the twins openly gaping at the whole exchange.

"You boys better run- I'll bet Ratchet will be looking for you to give you a checkup"

Faster than I could say Megatron, both mechs transformed and sped away in a screech of tires. I couldn't help but think that no matter where they hide, Ratchet will find them. Sighing, I turned back towards Jazz and got my cleaning products ready again. My guardian better appreciate this…..


End file.
